Male Hooker Wants Respect!

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The following is a public service announcement for all the chat ‘n’ chains or sit ‘n’ knits out there in the ‘verse.  While statistics are sketchy, an informal poll shows that anywhere from 15-20% of the knitters and crocheters out there are men. I’m willing to bet the numbers are higher; it’s just that guys won’t admit to it. When one of these male fiber artists attempts to join your group, the following field guide will help you acclimate him to you and your merry crew, not unlike lowering a fish into the bowl first in a plastic bag so the other fishes get used to him and don’t do something impolite. You know, like attempting to kill him on sight.  Please note: I don’t actually recommend putting a new male knitter/crocheter in a plastic bag. It’s kind of a felony.

Rule the First: Male fiber artists are naturally shy and timid about working with yarn in a public place. Societal mores being what they are, the novice yarnie will probably feel somewhat less than manly and out of place. Until Chuck Norris comes out of the basket as a knitter or crocheter, most guys will not think it is something that a “guy” actually will do in public. Little known fact: Chuck Norris made a sweater once by duct-taping an entire herd of sheep together. 

Rule the Second: Once you have enticed the yarnie to sit and join your crew, welcome him to the table. Keep a pleasant facial expression. Do not show teeth, that’s considered a sign of aggression.  Plying the newbie with alcohol at this point is ostensibly a good idea, but friends don’t let friends hook drunk. (Slightly buzzed; go for it!)

Rule the Third: Please do not poke or prod the yarnie without invitation. This actually happened to me. Someone walked up to me and said “A MALE crocheter?? Are you real???” and poked me. Poked. Me. While I was stitch counting. On a lace pattern.The only reason they are still alive is I only own one size F aluminum hook and didn’t want to retrieve it from their still beating heart. Please remember your kindergarten (or Primary school, or Sunday School) lessons. Don’t touch someone unless they ask you to. ESPECIALLY when they are counting stitches.

Rule the Fourth: Pizza, beer, and chocolate are “yummy”. Yarn is not. Yes, even the Sacred Malabrigo.

Rule the Fifth: PT Barnum had it right. “Sometimes the people are amazed the bear can waltz at all”. I have been a happy and proud hooker for over a decade. I’m quick, efficient, and can quite easily churn out a baby sweater or make significant headway on an afghan over the course of one three-hour crochet night. For reasons I have yet to understand, much is made of this. Not “wow you’re good!” kind of praise but either they praise me like a golden retriever who has learned to not piddle on the carpet; or they make me sound like the starship Enterprise, Boldly crocheting where no man has crocheted before.  If you genuinely like what your male yarnie is making, sincere praise is of course as welcome as it would be coming from him to you. But as I tell my students, this is twisting yarn around a hook and making pretty knots. If you can tie your shoes you can crochet. And yes, I know not to piddle on the carpet. Where’s my cookie?

Joshua McKiernan (a.k.a the Fibear) lives and hooks on the South Shore of Massachusetts. He can be found at Benegesseritrm@yahoo.com or on Ravelry as Benegesseritrm